How many plates?

So I am writing this today as I needed a way to process what I am thinking and feeling.

You might wonder why I chose the titles of this blog post. Its one of the many ways that I try and explain to people how it feels to have numerous different topics buzzing around my brain. This might seem as if I am making out by having a different neurology I somehow cannot manage to have a few things on my mind.

I will attempt to explain why.

For any of you that have heard of spoon theory you will understand how the image of spoons is a way of managing your energy in prioritising what things to focus on. I have found that when I am tired, sore and ruminating at high speed without an off switch it is very easy to find yourself being consumed by my own brain.

The outcome of this is basically how the last 12 hours have been for me. Please excuse my grammar, its not an excuse but with only a couple of hours sleep and a meltdown my brain is feeling a bit delicate. So how do I manage to get myself from one extreme of emotion to the polar opposite in such a short time? That is one of the frustrations I have.

Imagine you are spinning your three plates, one might be an unresolved work issue and the others could be your health or money. Being autistic feels to me like I am unknowingly picking up other plates that I have no choice but to try and spin. It can often feel like these are just continuing to build in the background and before you realise that you aren’t able to cope by which point you’ve dropped all the plates and left not knowing how to start clearing up.

I am not too sure if I managed to explain that in a way that makes sense, however the intense emotions that I experience at the time and afterwards are so powerful that by this point my annoyance might come out as anger and the touch paper has been lit.

The worst bit personally for me is the feeling immediately afterwards of shame, embarrassment and wanting so badly to apologise repeatedly. The rather crappy thing is knowing that those around you are seeing you at your most vulnerable when at that time I am a complete puppet to my emotions.

There inevitably is the point now where I am reflecting on what happened and I am starting to feel that the moment is passing. I didn’t quite know how this blog post was going to go at the start because I felt that I should probably try and use this as a way of helping my brain process the emotions. I am glad I did though.